interlude

Listen, all you need to know right now is, Darren's had a circumcision. Brilliant.

EPISODE LOADS

this is a tripple wammy cos i forgot to update this tuesday. can't really remember what happened but nothing crazy, Ryan proposed to Janine properly and she said yes. Some old guy wants to buy the Vic.

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New one starts with Tiff making a great joke saying Whits text to Billie makes her sound desperate. It totally does. There's more hints that Bianca is having an affair with the army man that her and Carol went to see and Peggy organises a barbecue in the square to show she is top landlady number one and shouldn't lose the vic to some jerk. Billie comes back in his combats and him and Whit go for a romantic drink at the allotments. But uhoh, he's all 'i've changed' 'we're different people' and they break up. Whit's all "I know you love me, I've got texts that say it!". haha. Then at the barbecue Carols all "BIANCA'S HAVING AN AFFAIR!!" to everyone, oh no! What will happen?!!?

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Not a lot. She isn't. The "bobby" she's been talking to is a code name for Ricky to add a bit of spice to their mindnumbing relationship. Oh dear. Most people have a great laugh at this apart from Caz and Bianc, obvs. Phil meanwhile has lost his last 'crack rock'. Oh dear. Abbie is all into this book called the Cosmic Catalogue where you ask the universe for stuff and you get it. She obviously didn't ask for Darren to bone her then, or to not be a twat, har har. But anyway, somehow Pat gets the book for Peggy, who's moaning about the pub again, and gets her to write down how she wants to own the pub again and tell the universe thats what she wants. Billie's all like "theres someone else, a lady soldier" and Whit chucks all their photos on the bbq and contaminates the beef much to Ryan's chagrin. Phil goes to get money out for crack but is all on crack so forgets his pin and loses his card, he goes to the caff with Minty but is on crack and hasn't washed for days and stinks out the place so Bianca says customers have complained and he needs to leave. Ouch. So Minty takes him to the vic to see Peggy, only she's on the phone to Grant banging on about how great he is and what a good dad he is and how Phil isn't worth a bag of shit and all this, NICE ONE PEGGY PHILS RIGHT BEHIND YOU ON CRACK. So Phil is gutted, and goes home to try and find his crack. Ryan meanwhile, punches Billie. Yeaaaaahhhhhh. Then Phil finds the crack, Carol and Bianca have a heart to heart and love each other, and Roxy decides to give the vic over to Peggy properly. Then Rainy is all "but when we've done this we won't have any crack, we need some money for crack" so Phil looks out the window over at the vic and says "I know somewhere we can get enough money we never have to come down........." WOAH, WILL PHIL ROB THE QUEEN VICTORIA, HIS FORMER RESIDENCE AND MOTHERS HOME AND BUSINESS TO PURCHASE SOME MORE CRACK!? stay tuned.

EPISODE THREE

oh wow, great ep. so much stuff going on where to start. first of all, Janine and Ryan are back! On a motorbike too which they won off someone in a poker game while on holiday (sounds like a mad one), they haven't got any money though and have been sacked from the bookies. nightmare. So they head to Pat's to scam some food (pat now lives in the vic, incase you didn't know. bit weird but let's go with it). Phil is BLIND DRUNK and SMOKING CRACK back at his with Rainy. Absolute fucking insanity. It's incredible. He keeps banging on about his kids and how great he is then gets all aggro then demands another rock. Heather is gutted because her and George are gonna get evicted at the end of the day, nightmare. Her and Shirl go to the citizens advice bureau but they ain't gonna do shit. So Shirls all like, we'll squat. Rad. Denise's sister, not content with stealing Chelsea's bed, rolls on into her job at the salon & Roxy obviously gives her a job because she's a twat. Tiffany is at the vic and is all like "OMG Auntie Janine have you got married!?" cos she's got on an engagement ring, but we find out it was just a plot so they'd get an upgrade on holiday by pretending it was their honeymoon. So Peggy's all like 'mate he'd never marry you you gross bitch' and brings up all that stuff about how she's killed loads of people and all that. So then Janine's like mate whatever. MEANWHILE, Phil & Rainy are really into crack and get all freaky and disgusting and bone right there on the floor. Grim stuff. And then Shirl lets herself in and Phils all horrible and drunk and pink and says "She saved my life, I had to repay her somehow" BLEEEAAARRRRGH. So then to top it all off Janine goes down to the pub and is all like Ryan, will you marry me?????

Stay tuned for his response. xxx

EPISODE TWO

Ok so Phil isn't very pleased about the whole Louise/Lisa scenario but chills out abit and then when the social worker comes round is really nice and relaxed, then steals his bag to find Lisa's address and drives off in a rage. "Rainy", tanya's sister, scores some crack in the square. Denise & Patrick decide to go to the funeral of the woman who Lucas killed as if she was Denise and Patrick gives her a great bit of advice "She may have died for you, but now you have to live for her". Phil gets to Lisa's and smashes the door in but they've gone! Noooooooo. Police find Phil with his head in his hands on a lone matress in an empty room, so gutted Phil. This however causes him to GET BACK ON THE DRINK! I.e-hilarious Phil. Abbie meanwhile puts on Rainy's coat and lo and behold finds da crack, so then there's a weird sequence where Phil gets chucked out of the pub and she gets chucked out of Max's with some weird music. Then Max chucks Carol out too because let's be honest, she's a moany twat. So she goes to stay with Bianca (who ain't happy about it lol). Denise's LOL sister comes back and also ain't got nowhere to live so is gonna move in with Patrick & Denise, might aswell they've got 2 spare bedrooms now right. Then Rainy is in the square searching for her crack and Phil turns up dangling it around being like "I want in on this shiiiittttt" PHIL ON CRACK OMG. Stay tuned....

EPISODE ONE

In the previous episode (not sure if you saw it) Phil slapped Peggy. Woah. Now she's got a mega bruise, standard. Also Tanya's sister has come back and is chilling at Max's & used to be a heroin addict. Libby and Chelsea have gone off to Spain and Oxford (v. emotional). This part is fucking ridiculous, there is NO WAY you would just jet off to spain/leave to start uni again (dear libby, it's the start of fucking august, love peter) when barely two weeks ago your dad PRETENDED YOUR MUM WAS DEAD AND LOCKED HER IN A FUCKING BASEMENT. It's a joke! Terrible terrible family members. Jordan is going to kill himself now (probably). I've started eating dried mango by the way (it's totally great). Peggy and Pat steal Louise from Phil's house and take her to Lisa's house and give her back as if that's the done thing. They don't call social services or anything, just literally drive her, drop her off. Neither of them are the legal guardian either. Mental.